Judah has been placed on our wall... Thank you, Desiree...
23 January 2013 - Distant
Journal Excerpt:
"Lately my walk has felt out of sorts. Sunday I felt so disconnected from the sermon, and I don't like it. Distant. I hate writing this but I am afraid to ask God to bring me closer and to do whatever it takes because I'm afraid that it will mean losing another baby or not conceiving or something happening to my family. I know in the back of my mind that if those were the ways that He chose to draw me closer, then they would be worth losing, but I'm afraid, because I don't want to lose them. God, please bring me closer to Yourself no matter the cost, and remind me that the cost is worth it, because I'm struggling to believe that right now. I'm so afraid to lose more, and struggling to see that I'd be gaining.
We had our 27th person join Carried to Jesus yesterday. It's amazing to me to see how God is bringing the girls/women along who need the support. Some of the women say nothing, but a number of them share on a regular basis and really seek to support each other through things. One huge thing that God has done as a result of Judah. And yes, it's because of Judah! A huge blessing from ashes that were so painful and still ache inside."
My treasures...
19 January 2013
It's Judah's 10 week birthday, and I'm not only attending but taking photos of the baby shower of the friend of mine who was due 3 days before Judah. I'm not sure how I feel right now but its already been an emotional week so I'd really value your prayers... He was due in 7 weeks 2 days. She just posted how she can't wait to meet her little girl in 7 weeks and it hit me again how close I would have been to meeting our son. My husband reminded me that I'm not going to meet Judah in 7 weeks because I already got to meet him, which helps a little to remember, but doesn't help with the ache of not having him with me still, whether in my arms or womb.
LATER: It's been 10 whole weeks since I gave birth to Judah. Where has time gone? How did we fit so much into such a short time? Where did the strength and energy come from to face everything that we have faced these past 2.5 months? How is it possible to come through the hardest experiences of our lives and marriage and walk away stronger? How do we experience God in a more powerful way than we've ever known Him? All I can say is this: God. If my life is a living testimony of His goodness and His strength it is so that all who see me know that God is good, and loving, and FAITHFUL. Ever so faithful, even when I am not. Even when my heart wants to burst in pain or I question why or I try to control the circumstances that are far beyond my control. Be still, and KNOW that He is God. MY God.
10 January 2013 - Happy Two Months in Heaven, Judah!
Journal Excerpt:
"Happy 2 month birthday, Judah! You must have the best birthdays, up there with Jesus! I miss you terribly and greatly look forward to seeing you again some day. And in spite of the pain of losing you, I'm so incredibly glad that I got to meet you. You are and were a true gift from my Father."
Two months ago right now I was getting settled into my hospital room in preparation for the birth of my second son. I have walked on water I thought I'd drown in to get here, and although it's easy to start looking down and sinking again, through Him I will continue to trust and come out the other side. In spite of the enormous pain involved in losing Judah, I'm so incredibly thankful that I had the opportunity to meet, hold, and love on my son before saying goodbye. And that I already have part of my little family waiting for me in Heaven. This life is only for an instant. The pain of separation only for a time, but the reunion is forever. I'm praying that one day my ENTIRE family will be reunited in Heaven with Judah and Jesus. What a day that will be! Happy 2 months old birthday, dear Judah!
"No weeping, no hurt or pain
No suffering You hold me now
You hold me now
No darkness no sick or lame
No hiding You hold me now,
You hold me now
In this life I will stand
Through my joy and my pain
Knowing there's a greater day
There's a hope that never fails
When Your name is lifted high
And forever praises rise
For the glory of Your Name
I'm believing for the day"
Hillsong - You Hold Me Now
Snuggling with our son in the few short hours that we held him in our arms. It's been two months today since his birth!
8 January 2013
I'm finding it amazing how in the midst of missing Judah I have such absolute joy in seeing one after another of women I've been praying for have healthy pregnancies and babies. I really believe that God does ease the heartache when we run to Him and instead of focusing constantly or soley on our own loss and hurt, focus on praying for and loving others through it. I've been learning and loving the joy of praying for others and seeing the answers to my prayers - them receive what I myself treasure so much. Wow. Thank You, Jesus!
Journal Excerpt:
"Two months ago last night Judah died. Two months ago tonight we confirmed it. Two months ago in two days I gave birth to my third child. Where has time gone? The initial sting has lessened but I still miss him like crazy. Especially sometimes as more people get pregnant. If this keeps up, God is definitely working to answer my prayers for this year, that all the girls who are trying, get pregnant and deliver full term, healthy babies this year! Wow!
I also have a lot of peace regarding getting pregnant again, at least for now. We will see what happens over the next couple of months, but if I get pregnant this month, I'll be due in October. If next month, then my due date will be right around Judah's birthday. And so forth. I have to keep reminding myself that God is in control even if I'm not pregnant for a long time to come."
3 January 2013
I haven't posted in a little while because I have been struggling a bit with everything in general. Putting baby toys away since my kids are too big for them and Judah won't be here to use them. Seeing reminder after reminder that I lost my baby and I don't know when I'll be given another. Knowing that this year I was to birth Judah in two months time, but now I won't. Looking around me and finding absolute chaos as we are STILL not moved and still working to finish renovations. Feeling completely overwhelmed by the cleaning, packing, and unpacking that I will need to do within two weeks while balancing two little kids. Struggling to trust God that His ways are better. And more... Then I was reading my Bible this morning and in 1 Cor. 1 it is talking about God using the foolish things and the weak things to show Himself, and I felt chastised for not sharing. For not showing the struggles lately and only showing the "good things." If God desires to use my weaknesses and inadequacies to show Himself more fully, then I don't want to miss out on that! I look around me and wonder sometimes how He can use ME of all people, but He can, so that no one gets the glory but Himself. "therefore, as it is written: 'let him who boasts boast in the Lord.' When I came to you, brothers, I did not come with eloquence or superior wisdom as I proclaimed to you the testimony about God. For I am resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and Him crucified. I came to you in weakness and fear, and with much trembling... So that your faith might not rest on men's wisdom, but on God's power." 1 Cor. 2:1-3,5
I don't know what God is doing in and through me, but I want to be used by Him in both my good days and bad. I'm sorry for not allowing you to see the work (throughout my weakness and struggling) He's been doing in me because of my own pride. To God be the glory!
My littlest living joy!
My 2nd littlest living joy!
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