30 November 2012 - God Sees and Knows

I'm thankful for a God who sees and knows, and who is in control no matter what happens. I don't understand His reasons or why we lost Judah, or why we are going through the mess of things happening right now, but I know the One who does understand, and I trust His judgement and wisdom. I'm learning to let go and lean on Him. To see the beauty He makes from ashes. To be thankful for all the MANY blessings He's given to me. To run to Him when it hurts too much to go on. To joy in seeing how He uses my hurt for His glory. To cling to my husband as never before. To love on my living children as if every moment was my last. And to live rejoicing that I've been given one more breath to be used by Him. It's taking me a while, but I am learning... And He is such a patient teacher.

28 November 2012

Journal Excerpt:


"It's been three weeks almost exactly right now since I first noticed Judah was not moving. Three aweful yet amazing weeks. It seems so much longer, yet somehow just yesterday. Tears have been running down my face most of the past hour. It seems that finally things are starting to sink in and I'm starting to be able to think again. Only a little, but still think. I've been so frustrated that things have been too crazy for me to even work through and think. I'm afraid of missing a detail. I've spent a lot of time going back and forth with the "Carried to Jesus" FB group I started, which has helped with processing, except that then my pain and words aren't written here. So difficult. I can't express myself in both places. It's so hard to realize that so many of the things I've been looking forward to happening won't happen now. Finley was born today, and as I looked at his little face, so alert and adorable, I found myself thinking how strange it will be to deliver a live baby again, that cries and snuggles against me and looks at me. It makes me teary to think about. It also struck me that God has sent babies on each of my hardest milestones. Daniel on my 1 week anniversary of finding out Judah had died. Jonathan on my 2 week anniversary of Judah's birth. And now Finley on the 3 week anniversary of Judah's death. Little things to celebrate when it's really hard."

26 November 2012 - After Thanksgiving

I never thought it would be this hard to return home after Thanksgiving... Yet as we drove home I found myself struggling with the thought of everything to come: trying to get used to a new normal without my Judah in it; a court date to try to get our tenant situation straightened out; renovation work and a move prayerfully in the next few weeks; no Christmas tree or decor because we're moving; no Christmas shopping because that money was used to bury our son. It makes me tear up and long to run away. The pain and darkness seem so strong. But then I find myself thinking even more of the real meaning of this season. A baby. Not much bigger than my Judah. But with a much bigger purpose. Born in a humble stable with rags to cover him. Forget about gifts! Far from home. Born so that one day I could be with my Judah and better yet, my God, to eternity. And I push myself up off the ground. Stand with my face tear stained. Then run to the One who, like Judah, was sent to me, but instead of coming to fill my arms as Judah did, came to fill my aching heart and life as no one else can.

22 November 2012 - Reasons

I think God had an amazing plan behind allowing Judah to join Him so close to my favourite holiday of Thanksgiving... It's given me even more to be thankful for, because as much as I miss him and ache to hold him, my Judah could not be in a better place than in Jesus' arms. And God has graciously allowed me to enjoy another day with my incredible husband and best friend, AND my oldest two children. By human standards I may seem poor in blessings this year because we lost Judah, but I am oh so rich in blessings in reality, because Judah GAINED and for so many other reasons! Blessed be the name of the Lord...

21 November 2012 - He Cares for ME

This is the third night since Judah's birth where I was really especially struggling and someone either exactly then or the next morning messaged me and told me that they couldn't get me out of their thoughts during that exact time, and had been praying for me. It never ceases to amaze me that the God who created the universe cares so much for me that He is aware of my deepest struggles and He sends someone at an EXACT time to pray me through them. How could I not trust Him with my son, and with the lives of each of my other two precious children and that of my husband? We are not guaranteed a certain amount of time with anyone, even once they're born, yet God has graciously given me these three other lives to enjoy to the max as long as He allows me. Please keep praying. You can never know if YOU are the one God is using at that exact time to carry someone to Jesus when they're struggling more than words can say. Don't miss out on that blessing...

20 November 2012

Journal Excerpt:


"'What if Your blessings come through raindrops? What if Your healing comes through tears? What if a thousand sleepless nights is what it takes to know You're near? What if trials of this life, are Your mercies in disguise?' Laura Story, Blessings.

Last night I was again deeply struggling while exhausted, and crying. And randomly at midnight I get a text from Robin, apologizing for it being so late and telling me that she couldn't get me off her mind. God knew and sent people to pray for me RIGHT then in my minutes of greatest need. Wow. I went to post this on FB and it crashed and refused to post. I'm too spent right now to repost anything...

I was just reading Zephaniah 3:17 and it struck me. God will rejoice over me with singing! I wonder if He sometimes uses people to show that?"

18 November 2012 - First Visit to Judah's Grave

 

17 November 2012 - One Week Later

It's hard to believe a week ago right now I was in labour, preparing to deliver my third child and second son. I'm so thankful that I have had the privilege of birthing three precious children, and that I have the joy of knowing that I have one child already waiting in Heaven for me. My prayer is that Judah's little life is instrumental in bringing my other two kids to Christ, so that I will one day share eternity with them, too.


Journal Excerpt:

"One week ago today, right now, we were enjoying our precious son, Judah, and taking in each precious detail of his little body. It's so hard to believe that it's already been a week. So many emotions roar through me. I wish and pray that I will never forget. That I'll never forget all the tiny details. That he always stays vivid in my mind even when years have passed. I never want to forget the memory of my son.

Desiree gave us a beautiful canvas photo of our family, and it's floored us. So priceless, and precious to us. I think having these reminders and decorations helps me with the idea of moving downstairs and away from all these memories. I don't do well with all of these changes. Especially when something painful has just happened. But being able to include Judah on our walls and reminders makes the idea of moving somewhat easier. Another thing that helps me with Judah is hearing how many people our stories have touched. Every time I start to feel pressured because people like what I've written, God reminds me that it's nothing I've done, but completely me sharing my heart and Him working through me. It definitely takes the stress off of me.

God, please use these events to forever change our lives, and to grow us ever closer to you and each other. Please remind me that each child and Joel are gifts, not to be taken for granted. You never promise how long we'll each have. While I pray that this is not God's way of preparing me to lose another, I do pray that He prepares me and works on me to trust Him more. Such a hard road..."

16 November 2012 - Judah's Memorial Service and Burial

Journal Excerpt:

"The day no parent should go through... Today I bury my son. I'm so thankful that he'll be next to Lily [a friends' baby girl]... I have no idea how today will go or how I'll be emotionally, or how my voice will be. I have to trust God through this all.

LATER - God worked things out beautifully for the services today. And I was surprised at the number of people who came - especially church family. I even made it through my song, although wobbly. And the service was so encouraging. Especially the music. It's just hard to believe that it's over now. God even cleared the skies some to allow sunlight to touch Judah's grave at the end. But I'm struggling. Struggling with associating the baby I saw today with the baby I was carrying. Struggling with feeling like I'm living in a dream. Struggling to know how to feel. Up and down and everywhere, and wanting desperately to connect with and grieve the loss of my son. Why is this happening to me" I feel like such a bad mom! Please help me, God, and show me how... Maybe part of it is how crazy things have been, and I haven't had a change to fully grasp let alone grieve."

15 November 2012 - A Father's Gift

Joel building Judah's casket, then burning his name into the top...


Tomorrow is the day... Today's felt too crazy to even grieve... I don't know how we will do it but somehow God will see us through. Please be praying for us.

Things to Remember

Journal Entry:

Things to Remember:

1) Patty (my midwife) resting her hand on Joel's arm and shoulder as he help and cried over Judah.
2) Picturing Jesus holding a toddler Judah, standing in Heaven looking down at me as the contractions grew extremely painful, cheering me on.
3) Crying through the pain of labour as I truly laboured in love for my son.
4) Patty wiping my forehead and nose for me unasked as I held and cried over my baby boy.
5) Pastor Hal meeting us at Kennedy to talk and pray over the upcoming events. He stayed about 4 hours.
6) Naomi calling and coming to spend a couple hours with me as a mother figure.
7) Pastor Phil and Kym reading the Bible, praying with, singing and playing guitar, and talking with me from around noon until close to 5pm, then coming back again around 2am to pray and support us as we gave Judah up.
8) Steph coming to visit briefly.
9) Another Steph coming around 5:30pm and staying until 5amish to support us and take incredible photos.
10) Yana being upset because she couldn't get to the hospital sooner to be with me.
11) Yana and Jessica arriving just in time to witness Judah's birth.
12) Pam arriving somewhere in that timeframe as well.
13) All the girls helping to make sure I got my footprints, support, and anything else that I might need in the couple hours after.
14) Feeling Judah's head and body come sliding out onto the bed, so quickly.
15) Watching Desiree (NILMDTS Photographer) take such joy in photographing Judah for us, and watching how carefully she handled him and loved on him.
16) The nurses going above and beyond in their care for me, Judah, and Joel and working to meet our every need and desire.
17) Dr. Davis taking time to give me his full attention and answer my questions, and then coming and sitting in my room with us for a long time, just fellowshipping.
18) Patty coming to be with me from like 5pm until 5am, supporting me even though she herself wasn't delivering Judah. She said and talked with me and listened for a couple hours, and even shared her food with me when the hospital didn't have the sandwiches they thought they had.
19) Having "Hosanna" play through my head over and over again, with Pam singing it.
20) Seeing Judah's still form in my last ultrasound of him, and just thinking, "You knit me together in my mother's womb, I praise You for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Marvelous are Your works and that my soul knows." He was beautiful beyond words.
21) Spending the night in the hospital and waking in a sunny room with Joel, then spending the morning together eating, reading texts and messages, and talking, then napping.
22) Having Monica [nurse] clean up my huge mess while in labour.
23) Holding Joel's hand as my contractions grew more and more intense.
24) having joel wrap his arm and hand around my head, burying his face in my neck as he cried.
25) Seeing my tiny son for the first time, and being unable to stop the tears - both of joy and deep, deep sadness.
26) Knowing and aching as I looked at him that he would never grow more, but realizing that it was just his body I was seeing, and not him.
27) Seeing flood trickling from his nose and finding out Desiree had gently dabbed it away as she'd taken photos.
28) Seeing his limp form with arms and legs that moved every which way and wishing I could mend his broken body and keep him from pain.
29) Having Dr. Davis assure me that Judah felt no pain, but died peacefully.
30) Remembering that Judah will only ever know the love he had inside me, and the love far greater than mine that holds him, pain free, in eternity.
31) Having Judah's little handprints and footprints in my Bible.
32) The deep pain inside as I watched Patty carefully take Judah from my hands and arms, place him ever so tenderly in his cart, and wheel him out of my room, forever. No woman should ever have to experience the pain of saying goodbye to and watching your child leave forever. By God's grace I will come through.
33) Feeling my milk come in and longing to nurse, but having to tightly bind myself and use cabbage leaves to stop my milk.
34) Having Dr. Davis and maternal-fetal medicine work to get a receiving blanket with tiny footprints on it to the funeral home with Judah for me.
35) Patty calling me last night to check on me and see how I'm doing.
36) Kennedy giving me a teddy bear to take home since I couldn't take Judah home with me. I cried.
37) Having and smelling Judah's blanket, and being SO thankful that I got to hold him in it.

14 November 2012 - "Be My All"

Be My All

Written by Allison Christofi 14 November 2012

Excitement as I clutch the test

Joy at what I read

Knowing that there's life inside me

Not even the size of a tiny bead.

Stopping still I pause to listen

To the still voice I've grown to love

As it reminds me of the gift I've been given

Sent with care from up above.

With a pen in hand I write out

I dedicate my unborn child

Trusting God that every second given

Was before time set aside.

I realized that no matter the outcome

However much time - both great or small

God had a plan for this little life

And I wanted Him to have my all.

Never knowing, never realizing

The price that I'd be asked to pay

The pain that I'd be asked to go through

And the sorrow that there'd be on that day.

Still I pressed on, hope unending

Loving each and every kick

Sharing with my husband and family

Taking pleasure even while sick.

Watching as my belly moves

Playing with my babe inside

Pregnancy discomforts always present

Fade with the knowledge that my little one is alive.

Then the day came when all time stopped

For I knew that all was not well

The movements that I'd come to cherish

Stopped forever, and my heart fell.

Precious Baby, Jesus called you

Took you in His PERFECT time

I don't understand the ways my God takes

But His hands hold you, safe inside.

Took you from my womb to His arms

What greater blessing could there be?

That my baby will never know heartache

And will be with my God for eternity.

Pains beginning, my body aching

As I labour out of love

Knowing that my son is watching

Held by Jesus up above.

Born into this world so tiny

Every detail so intricately designed

Quietly laying in my arms, not moving

Tears of joy and sadness do my eyes blind.

Jesus take me and please hold me

The pain of letting go won't end

Please hold my Judah ever so tightly

And Your strength to my feeble body lend.

As the days pass and I live on

Never knowing all God's plan

Ever trusting, ever knowing that

Pressing on through Him I can.

For I'm learning as He leads me

However much time - both great or small

God has a plan for this broken life

and I want Him to BE my all.

14 November 2012 - Strange Sounds

Sounds I never thought I would hear...

- Rina telling me Baby Brother or Judah is in Heaven with Mom-mom.

- My midwife telling me how to get rid of my precious supply of milk intended to feed my son, who I'll never feed.

- The sound of table saws and banging as my best friend builds the casket that will hold the tiny form of his son in it.

- Consent from me as we tell our funeral home they have our permission to pick up our baby boy's little body from the hospital morgue.
- My voice asking God to hold my Judah tight for me as I cannot for now and for a while to come.
- Me telling Joel that I now have a much clearer understanding of what Philip? meant and felt when he wrote, "It is Well with my Soul" after losing his children in a shipwreck.

And yes, "though Satan should buffet, though trials should come. Let this blessed assurance control! That Christ had regarded my HELPLESS estate and has shed His own blood for MY soul." Please keep praying as you never know...it could be YOUR prayer at that specific time that God uses to get us through that moment.

13 November 2012 - Daddy, I Need You

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases. His mercies never come to an end! They are new every morning, great is your faithfulness O Lord." I'm clinging to this promise right now on a day where I'm struggling with physical discomforts on top of feeling my arms ache to have and hold my baby boy... I miss terribly the gentle movements within my womb. the personality that was beginning to show. the excitement over my due date getting closer. Walking through a store and seeing a newborn and feeling the excitement that soon I will have my own again. the feeling of his tiny body in my hands, arms, and on my chest. The smell of his sweet skin. His tiny little chipmunk cheeks that were starting to show. His perfectly and incredibly tiny little hands and feet. The amazing details present in his intricately formed body, which remind me of how much love was placed by God into forming my son. Rina climbing up next to me on the couch, telling me that she wants to feel or kiss "Baby Judah." And so many other things... Yet somehow through this aweful pain and emptiness God keeps reminding me that He's all I need, and He will see me through, even when I can't see or understand myself. And He keeps reminding me as the tears stream down my face that no matter how short my time with Judah was, it was a priceless gift from Him that I would never, for one second, want to give up no matter how much pain I do and will feel from Judah's loss. I still have no idea how I will get through today, or tomorrow, or each day after that, but I will run to and cling with all I am to the One who knows the whys, who loves me just as much as He loves my Judah, whose arms are big enough to hold us both, whose love was strong enough to provide a way for me to be reunited with my son one day, and who will carry me when I cannot go on myself. Please hold me tight, Daddy... I need You.


Photos by SarahJane Photography
 

13 November 2012 - Details for Memorial Service

Details are finally coming together for our memorial service for Judah. We are honoured to invite you all to his memorial service and graveside service on Friday, 16 November 2012 at 10am at Fellowship Bible Church in Sewell, NJ. In lieu of flowers we are working to set up a fund for a specific, soon to be announced project in Judah's honour.


Please visit Smith Funeral Home in Mantua's website, finding Judah's name under obituaries, for info on the Joy of Judah fund.

11 November 2012 - Going Home

Leaving the hospital with the bear they gave us to carry home since we couldn't take our son with us...



Journal Entry:

"We went home today at 4:30pm and are exhausted, although it was so wonderful to have spent the time that we did at Kennedy. Evidently most people want to hurry up and go home. I needed the overnight to help with closure. Since we've been home it's been hard to realize it's over. It seems like everything is normal, until I see the blood or feel my empty belly. Or see my breasts filling with milk that will never be nursed. The it hits home and hurts so badly... There is so much to write, but I can scarcely keep my eyes open."

11 November 2012 - A Daddy's Post

Judah (one who praises God) Avishai (gift of my Father) Christofi (one who has Christ inside) was born to us last night at 10:29. Allison Hill Christofi was able to have a completely natural birth. He died a few days ago in the womb and was birthed at almost 23 weeks. He was 1 pound and 11 inches. He was completely formed and we had several hours to spend with him. We know his spirit is with our Heavenly Father worshiping Him even now. Several friends were able to join us and support us through the process. We thank them dearly for visiting and staying with us. We couldn't have done it without you. Of course, we couldn't have done it without our Saviour, either. God has poured out on us a tremendous measure of grace. Even as we listen to music on pandora here at the hospital, God is giving us some very touching and encouraging songs that we need right now.
We were able to have about 5 hours with him last night before having to say goodbye. Love was given and pictures were taken. We have lots of good memories that will always be hard, but we wouldn't have it any other way. The doctors and nurses were incredible here at Kennedy. They gave us everything we asked for and more. The sr. doctor actually spent time with us in our room just chatting while we waited for the medicine to do it's job. He was great with us, patient and encouraging and explaining everything in as much detail as we wanted.
We love you and miss you, Judah Avishai Christofi. Thank you, Jesus, for giving us these precious moments with his body.

11 November 2012 - Birth Announcement

Excerpt from my journal from 10 November 2012:

"It's almost the end. My contractions are intense and together, and he will be here soon. I don't know what to expect when he's born, but I'm looking forward to holding him in my arms..."


It is with great joy and sadness that I announce the birth of our son, Judah Avishai Christofi at 10:29pm, 10 November 2012 (10.11.12). He weighed 1 lb and was 11 inches long. Beautiful and perfect in each tiny detail. So intricately designed by God. He passed away most likely on Wednesday, at almost 23 weeks/ 6 months. We had several of our closest friends with us through the whole process, and God was so evident to both Joel Christofi and myself through so many ways - too numerous to name on here. God gave us 4 hours and 45 minutes with our precious son before we had to give him up. It was the most painful thing I have ever done, to watch someone else tenderly carry my baby away from me, FOREVER. By God's grace I was able to go completely naturally throughout the entire induction process, thus able to experience each contraction, each pain, each push in all its agony. By His grace and in His love I was able to give my baby the dignity of a natural birth, and hold him, snuggle him, love on him, and give him back to my Jesus. His name means, "One who praises God," "The gift of my Father," and "One who has Christ inside." We could not think of a more appropriate name to give our son who is a gift from our Heavenly Father, and who is now in Heaven forever praising Him. We love you, Judah Avishai, we treasure each and every second that God gave us with you, both in my womb and out. We miss you more than words can say and can't wait to see you and hold you in Heaven. And more than anything we pray that God will use your little life for purposes beyond what our feeble minds can comprehend, to point many to Himself.


We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired of life itself. 9 Indeed, we felt we had received the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. 10 He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us again. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, 11 as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many. 2 Corinthians 1:8-11


In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 7 These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. 8 Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, 9 for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls. 1 Peter 1:6-9

9 November 2012 - Praise #1

Praise #1. God worked in the heart of the perinatologist and he is going to induce me tomorrow morning at 8am because he knows how important it is to us. Normally we'd have to wait until Monday or Tuesday. My midwife (the best ever) said that our son should be here sometime between tomorrow night and Sunday morning. Please be praying for us as we continue down this most painful of journeys. I know that God will bring us through and provide grace for the moment, but it still hurts more than words can say to realize that we won't be leaving that hospital with our newborn. We will never get to walk him up those stairs and into our home. We will never hear his cry nor watch him take his first breath. But as two dear friends reminded me... I have had the privilege of carrying my son to the arms of my Saviour, and I can know that my son left the safety of my womb (where he knew only love) for the arms of Jesus. No hurt, no pain... a picture of warmth, safety, and love. My eyes weep, my heart aches, but my mind knows that one day I will have the privilege of holding my precious, WHOLE son in my arms. How I long for that day, but pray that in the meantime, my pain will be used by Him for His glory.

9 November 2012 - The Announcement

It is with overwhelming sadness and heartache that we share the loss of our precious 2nd son, who has gone on to be with Jesus just over a week away from 6 months pregnant. We don't understand but we know that our God does and has a perfect plan through this. We gave our son to Him as we have with each of our children upon finding out we were expecting, knowing full well that He could take them at any time. In His perfect love and wisdom He has chosen to take our littlest, and we run to Him, crying Daddy, please hold us now. Please pray that I am able to deliver him naturally in the next couple of days, so I can hold him, love on him, and bury him. Still I will CHOOSE to say, Lord, blessed be your name. My heart aches desperately for my son.


Excerpt from my tear-stained journal the night before:

"What if Your blessings come through raindrops? What if Your healing comes through tears? What if a thousand sleepless nights is what it takes to know You're near?" Tonight I saw one of the worst things I will ever see... the still, tiny, exquisitely formed body of my son - my second SON - without a heartbeat in my womb. It was such a gift to have one last look at him. Yet so incredibly painful. His little form that two weeks ago waved at me and moved all around now lay in a peaceful sleep, soul no longer present. The sight of his little, lifeless body reminds me of how precious life is, and how fleeting. And how beautifully God has created each being. My son. My precious son. Gone. It give me much peace to know that he is safe with Jesus now, and that he will never suffer from his abdomen not being formed right, but it doesn't erase the pain of losing him. And knowing that I carry his little, limp body in my womb right now but he no longer hears my voice and calms. He no longer pokes me when I push against him, or rolls when I lay down. I will never get to hear him cry. See him take his first breath. See his hair colour. Touch and smell his soft skin. Tell him how much I love him and how thankful I am for him. Tell him how I've wanted him before I knew I had been given him. Hold his hand as he learns to walk. Feel him snuggle up to and suckle at my breast. And I never got to prepare for it. Never got to grieve the loss of that touch before it was gone. And somehow I knew it. Somehow, before I ever saw Patty [my midwife] today I knew that we wouldn't find a heartbeat. I ate, drank, even ate a bunch of candy and poked and pushed at my belly for some response but got none. I could feel him laying there in the bottom of my womb, but no movement. I never got to say goodbye. Rina came over and climbed up beside me and told me she wanted to feel Baby, and pushed my belly, and nothing. I will never see my baby move or respond to my voice. Never watch him breathe. I can only pray that they will let me delivery my son and hold him, and bury him. I will try to reach "Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep" tomorrow to see if they can take photos... I think the hardest things will be not feeling the movements anymore, and not seeing my belly grow. God, help me. Hold me. I am aching beyond imagination. I don't understand but I know You have a plan better than I could ever dream. Please watch out for my baby. Hold him tight and tell him how much his mommy loves and misses him. How her arms yearn for him. I love you, my son, but as I said before and told God even as I walked in for my ultrasound tonight. You belong to Jesus and I'm trusting you to His care, even if that means that He holds you and I never get to. I'm SO incredibly thankful for the almost 6 months (22 weeks 3 days) that I have carried you. That God has graciously given to me. God, please help me to see this even as the waves of pain wash over me. I cannot do this alone. Hold me, please. "I will walk by faith, even when I cannot see..." "You give and take away, my heart will CHOOSE to say, Lord, blessed be Your name..." These have run through my head all day...