Things to Remember

Journal Entry:

Things to Remember:

1) Patty (my midwife) resting her hand on Joel's arm and shoulder as he help and cried over Judah.
2) Picturing Jesus holding a toddler Judah, standing in Heaven looking down at me as the contractions grew extremely painful, cheering me on.
3) Crying through the pain of labour as I truly laboured in love for my son.
4) Patty wiping my forehead and nose for me unasked as I held and cried over my baby boy.
5) Pastor Hal meeting us at Kennedy to talk and pray over the upcoming events. He stayed about 4 hours.
6) Naomi calling and coming to spend a couple hours with me as a mother figure.
7) Pastor Phil and Kym reading the Bible, praying with, singing and playing guitar, and talking with me from around noon until close to 5pm, then coming back again around 2am to pray and support us as we gave Judah up.
8) Steph coming to visit briefly.
9) Another Steph coming around 5:30pm and staying until 5amish to support us and take incredible photos.
10) Yana being upset because she couldn't get to the hospital sooner to be with me.
11) Yana and Jessica arriving just in time to witness Judah's birth.
12) Pam arriving somewhere in that timeframe as well.
13) All the girls helping to make sure I got my footprints, support, and anything else that I might need in the couple hours after.
14) Feeling Judah's head and body come sliding out onto the bed, so quickly.
15) Watching Desiree (NILMDTS Photographer) take such joy in photographing Judah for us, and watching how carefully she handled him and loved on him.
16) The nurses going above and beyond in their care for me, Judah, and Joel and working to meet our every need and desire.
17) Dr. Davis taking time to give me his full attention and answer my questions, and then coming and sitting in my room with us for a long time, just fellowshipping.
18) Patty coming to be with me from like 5pm until 5am, supporting me even though she herself wasn't delivering Judah. She said and talked with me and listened for a couple hours, and even shared her food with me when the hospital didn't have the sandwiches they thought they had.
19) Having "Hosanna" play through my head over and over again, with Pam singing it.
20) Seeing Judah's still form in my last ultrasound of him, and just thinking, "You knit me together in my mother's womb, I praise You for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Marvelous are Your works and that my soul knows." He was beautiful beyond words.
21) Spending the night in the hospital and waking in a sunny room with Joel, then spending the morning together eating, reading texts and messages, and talking, then napping.
22) Having Monica [nurse] clean up my huge mess while in labour.
23) Holding Joel's hand as my contractions grew more and more intense.
24) having joel wrap his arm and hand around my head, burying his face in my neck as he cried.
25) Seeing my tiny son for the first time, and being unable to stop the tears - both of joy and deep, deep sadness.
26) Knowing and aching as I looked at him that he would never grow more, but realizing that it was just his body I was seeing, and not him.
27) Seeing flood trickling from his nose and finding out Desiree had gently dabbed it away as she'd taken photos.
28) Seeing his limp form with arms and legs that moved every which way and wishing I could mend his broken body and keep him from pain.
29) Having Dr. Davis assure me that Judah felt no pain, but died peacefully.
30) Remembering that Judah will only ever know the love he had inside me, and the love far greater than mine that holds him, pain free, in eternity.
31) Having Judah's little handprints and footprints in my Bible.
32) The deep pain inside as I watched Patty carefully take Judah from my hands and arms, place him ever so tenderly in his cart, and wheel him out of my room, forever. No woman should ever have to experience the pain of saying goodbye to and watching your child leave forever. By God's grace I will come through.
33) Feeling my milk come in and longing to nurse, but having to tightly bind myself and use cabbage leaves to stop my milk.
34) Having Dr. Davis and maternal-fetal medicine work to get a receiving blanket with tiny footprints on it to the funeral home with Judah for me.
35) Patty calling me last night to check on me and see how I'm doing.
36) Kennedy giving me a teddy bear to take home since I couldn't take Judah home with me. I cried.
37) Having and smelling Judah's blanket, and being SO thankful that I got to hold him in it.