31 December 2012 - How Does God Answer Prayer?
I've been wanting to write this on here for a couple of weeks now, but haven't gotten the chance... I really would love to hear from you all regarding this, as I've been struggling through it myself.
Back in August when I was about 10 weeks pregnant I had a huge amount of bleeding and was in the ER thinking we'd lost the baby. I bled all of August. A friend of mine is pregnant with her first and is due 3 days before Judah was due. That same weekend she ended up in the ER, too, with what they thought was a miscarriage, too. Both of us were on almost bedrest for the next few weeks, and careful monitoring of our bleeding/babies. I started praying then that if God was going to take one of our babies, that He would take mine, not hers. I just felt strongly that while it would hurt more than I could say, I have two babies already. But for her to lose her only baby would be much worse. We both seemed to do better until I unexpectedly lost Judah three months later. I see now that God answered my prayers. But I keep having these questions... I know God answers prayers, so does that mean that if I hadn't prayed that God would take mine if He was going to take one, that He might have taken hers and I'd still have Judah? Does my praying that mean that I somehow killed my baby? Or (and I think I've been leaning towards this side) does it mean that God already knew the outcome of both of our pregnancies, and my praying was not going to change which baby God took home, but how I handled the pain of losing my baby? That God answered my prayers in a different way? In the way that He answered my prayers before anything happened, because He was preparing me to be the mom that lost her baby by making me willing to let go? Does this make sense? I'd really like to hear your thoughts...
30 December 2012 - Grave Blanket
God sent snow yesterday to celebrate Judah's 7 week anniversary of being born into Jesus' arms!!!!
Covering Judah's grave with the grave blanket I made him... Merry Christmas my son, and a happy new year with Jesus! I miss you being with us on earth. It's so crazy that visiting a cemetery has become a part of our family's life so early on... But God's grace is sufficient...
28 December 2012 - Struggles and Learning to Trust
I really miss Judah, and am struggling tonight to know he was real, not just a dream in a really bad time in my life... I'd really appreciate prayer if you think of me...
Journal Excerpt:
"And I'm waiting. And praying to trust God with things no matter what. I have no idea if i'll even be able to get pregnant now or ever, or if I'll ever have a pregnancy full-term or alive again. We have known our future son's name (if God grants us another) since 9 November 2012, while sitting in Babies-R-Us parking lot. His name will mean, "God heals" and "Believer in a Gracious God." And if we have a daughter, we may also have her name, too... We will see. God, please let me rest in You. I so much so want another baby, and right away. But, You still know what is best, and I want to trust You with it no matter what. Please lead me and help me trust You."
25 December 2012 - Overwhelmed
I am absolutely, utterly in awe of this Christmas. Never in my life have I or my family received so much from people, and now as I look around, I am absolutely dumbfounded and brought to tears with how good my God has been, and how much people have cared and poured out their love on our family. I thought this was going to be a Christmas where we couldn't have family or even have gifts, and God has used friends and family to bless us beyond imagination with gifts, support, hugs, cards, love, prayers, and so much more. Our friends have been our family when our family was too far away to be with us. Joel was right. I was struggling thinking that this was going to be the worst Christmas ever, but he said he thought that God was just preparing to make it our best yet. Thank you. I don't even know who many of you are, but you have blessed us beyond words... May YOU be blessed beyond words as you allow yourselves to be used to be God's hands and feet to others.
25 December 2012 - Merry Christmas, Everyone!
Merry Christmas, Everyone! I feel a bit of sadness for what is not this year, but so very overwhelmed by all that IS, and all that God has done for us bringing us here... And because of His biggest gift - Jesus - the baby we celebrate today, I have the peace of knowing that some day I WILL see my sweet son again, and he will be ALIVE!!! The encouragement I have felt has been in knowing that the REASON for this season is why I know I will one day be with Judah again. It doesn't make this incredible ache inside of me go away, but it does help to know that it's not forever without him. I miss him terribly, and my arms yearn to hold his little body "just one more time." My belly aches to feel him move inside me as it grows and stretches. But it makes the meaning of Christmas so much more real and dear to me... I also can't help but think these past weeks of how much more pain Mary experienced than I ever have. She gave up her reputation, her pride, to bear Jesus. She was able to love him as only a mother can for many years, but then had to experience not just his death, but his death in an incredibly brutal way when she knew he deserved nothing but good. She watched him give his life away to save the lives of anyone who believed in Him. And to know that this all happened so that another mother (MANY mothers) could one day have the opportunity to be with her own son for eternity. Mind boggling... May you know Him today and in the days to come in the very real way He so desires to be known!
Thank you, Desiree, for remembering...
24 December 2012 - Christmas Eve
So excited to finally get to do some Christmas things as a family! It has been a hard couple of months and we are in awe of how God has so graciously brought us through and provided for us. I look ahead and sometimes wonder how we will make it through, and then I look back and see how He has brought us through things I never thought we could have survived, yet He carried us, and I know that whatever He allows our way, He will see us through... We've been blessed beyond measure!
Our little family...
21 December 2012 - Joy of Judah's first website
Please help us raise the funds for this very special, near to our hearts project. We want to comfort others with the comfort that we ourselves have received during the time of our loss, but we need your help to do so. Thank you!
19 December 2012 - Emmarie, a Rainbow Baby
I'm sitting here with tears of absolute joy streaming down my face for my friend, Trisha, and her husband who just welcomed their little girl, Emmarie Cate, into this world. This little girl is incredibly special as she is the little sister of a baby boy who was carried from his mother's womb to Jesus about 10 months ago at 20 weeks of age. I have watched Trisha go through Elias' loss and then her pregnancy with Emmarie, and having gone through everything with Judah, this birth means a lot to me, because I know the pain through the months... God is so good... Congratulations, my friend!!!
18 December 2012 - Judah Bears Beginning
Can I just say that I'm awake at 1:15am just thinking about the incredible ideas God has given to us for our Joy of Judah fund?!? I am excited beyond words to see what He will do with these ideas and how even now He is using Judah to reach others who are hurting. I feel so privileged that God chose me to be Judah's mom. To carry Judah to Him. To experience everything that we've experienced, not because it has been so wonderful, but because God uses broken people and messed up situations to really show His power, grace, and who He is... If this is what it means to walk by faith and to truly experience God, I want it, no matter what the cost. It's worth every bit of pain and heartache...
17 December 2012 - Christmas Preparations
Christmas isn't the same. I'm still stuck back before Thanksgiving. Time seems to be standing still at the same time as flying by. I'm just preparing to celebrate Thanksgiving with the few decorations I've pulled out since we're hoping to move soon, NOT standing here facing Christmas in less than 9 days. My life has definitely not gone as I'd planned or hoped. I should have been moved into my downstairs home by now, and doing really well with the unpacking process. We should have had renters upstairs by now. I should have been 28 weeks pregnant with my third child - gender still unknown. We should have been excitedly preparing for Christmas, and taking part in the multiple events that I so love that happen at Christmas each year. I should have Christmas goodies made and ready to give out. Christmas cards sent. All my Christmas shopping done and mailed. Plans for seeing family and some of my best friends from years past close to fulfillment. I should have been loving those kicks and excitedly looking forward to holding my living baby in my arms in less than three months. And so much more. But God had other plans. Plans that are greater and better than mine. Plans that I don't understand right now and I may never understand. Plans that include pain beyond description, but also blessings beyond comprehension. I don't WANT to celebrate. At least, not like years past. Honestly, it hurts to think of what is not. But God has been teaching me that somehow He takes my pain, my broken expectations and plans, my shattered dreams and hopes, and He pieces them together to form a beautiful masterpiece that allows HIM to shine through the broken pieces. I want this Christmas to be different. Well, it is going to be different even if I don't want it to be... But I want it to be a Christmas of reminding. Reminding myself that that little baby (so like my Judah) born so many years ago was born to be the One who would endure pain far greater than I can ever imagine, even after everything I've been through, for ME. That He knew even then what I would go through. He also knew how beautiful He could make my life after it was shattered, so that those looking on could see only Him. And I want to be reminded that He is doing exactly that - forming the pieces of my life into something that brings Him all the glory. I can only see the broken glass in front of me, and some days, that's ALL I can see. But He is showing me little by little what He is making those pieces into. And in spite of all the pain, the broken pieces, I WANT Him to continue breaking me - MY hopes, MY dreams, MY plans - and forming me into the mosaic masterpiece that brings honour to its Creator. This is what I was created to do. Who I was created to be.
"What do I have, if I don't have You, Jesus? What in this life, could mean any more? You are my Rock, You are my Glory, You are the lifter of my head!"
A quote I had written in my Bible, "God never uses someone greatly until He tests them deeply." So encouraging to read...
Journal Excerpt:
"I also think I know what the Joy of Judah fund is to be used for... Judah Bears to give to moms who have lost their babies... It will be a lot of work to set up but I am THRILLED to think about this ministry..."
11 December 2012
A month ago right now I was holding my son... I miss him so, so much. God, please remind me through each painful moment that Your plan for my and Judah's life really is far better than I could ever imagine. Remind me that only You can fill the gaping hole in my heart. Hide me in the shelter of Your wings. Let me run to You when life is so overwhelming and painful that I don't know where to turn. And please, God, use Judah, my, and my family's lives to point people to You. Remind me that even if I never know the answers, it is worth it to trust You. All the way. I need You desperately.
"Lead me to the cross where Your love poured down. Bring me to my knees, God, I lay me down. Rid me of myself, I belong to You. Lead me! Lead me to the cross!"
Smiles amid the pain...
"Look, he has his hand resting on his mommy's heart..." said my midwife. ALWAYS.
10 December 2012 - Judah's One Month Birthday
Today is Judah's one month birthday... Very mixed emotions... I'm so very sad to not have him. I would have been 27 weeks pregnant today. I got to birth and hold but will never get to mother my third child. And I'm amazed to see how God has brought us through this far, and what He's doing through everything. Please keep praying. I still have so much to record and no time to record it with life right now. It's great if I didn't want to think about it, but I WANT to think and process and remember... I know this may be a lot of work for some, but I have a request. If Judah's life has touched yours in some way, however small, would you send me a message with how it has touched you, that i can print and put in his memory book to look at when things are tough (or just to see what God's done)? One of the absolute biggest encouragements to me through everything has been to hear a few people tell me how God has used Judah's life to change/touch them and how. Today is a really hard day for me, and I would like to try to focus on the blessings that God has brought as a result of Judah, instead of our loss. Your story is one of those blessings. Thank you...
9 December 2012 - Hard Times
I'm having a hard day and week. We've had one after another of our hopes and plans fall through, and I feel like I'm losing my close friends, from my grandma and Judah dying a month apart, to my in laws having to cancel coming for Christmas, to having to cancel seeing Joel's sister and family, my sister, and some of my best friends from growing up because of finances and our housing situation. I could cry. I'm struggling watching my hair fall out from hormones, feeling like I'm on an emotional rollercoaster as my hormones change, missing Judah, dealing with a sick son so I missed MOPS and church (thus not seeing friends), overdoing things myself because we HAVE to get things done on our house and I've fallen behind on so many other things. I haven't been able to make cookies, do much decorating, get my cards out that are on my table, or really go Christmas shopping in person, which I usually love to do! I feel really alone, overwhelmed, emotional, and like this is the worst Christmas ever. Joel told me that maybe God is just preparing to make it the best ever in ways we never expected, but I'm honestly really struggling to see that right now. Please be praying for me...
7 December 2012 - One Month
One month ago today my son passed from this world into eternity. From my womb to Jesus' arms. I still ache for him. My body still misses those movements in my womb. I still cry randomly at the littlest thing because it reminds me of what I've lost. I hug his blanket close and close my eyes and pretend it's him again. Trying to remember. I told Joel last night how I wish so much that I could have Judah back. But then I remembered that to have him back would be selfish on my part. Judah could never be happier, more comfortable, or more loved than where he is now. It makes me think of how I cannot wait to see him, alive, perfect, and wrap my arms around my son some day in Heaven. Until then, I keep asking Jesus to wrap His arms tightly around both Judah and me. He has carried me through the darkest nights and days of my life, and although I look ahead and sometimes wonder, "how?" I know it will be Him that will bring me through the rest of my life - no matter what happens - until He carries me home. I don't have to know the hows and why's, I just need to trust in the One who in His wisdom put me where I am and who knew the entirety of my story before it began. Please hold me now...
A Picture Album
Baby Christofi #3
Once more we are excited to share our journey through our pregnancy with Baby Christofi #3 with you! Each minute, hour, day that we are given with this precious child is a gift from God, not to be taken lightly, and for which we are incredibly grateful! This child belongs to our God, and we know that His plan is perfect for our little one's life, no matter how long or short his/her life on earth is. To God be the glory! Thank you in advance for the many prayers for our little one!
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