17 December 2012 - Christmas Preparations

Christmas isn't the same. I'm still stuck back before Thanksgiving. Time seems to be standing still at the same time as flying by. I'm just preparing to celebrate Thanksgiving with the few decorations I've pulled out since we're hoping to move soon, NOT standing here facing Christmas in less than 9 days. My life has definitely not gone as I'd planned or hoped. I should have been moved into my downstairs home by now, and doing really well with the unpacking process. We should have had renters upstairs by now. I should have been 28 weeks pregnant with my third child - gender still unknown. We should have been excitedly preparing for Christmas, and taking part in the multiple events that I so love that happen at Christmas each year. I should have Christmas goodies made and ready to give out. Christmas cards sent. All my Christmas shopping done and mailed. Plans for seeing family and some of my best friends from years past close to fulfillment. I should have been loving those kicks and excitedly looking forward to holding my living baby in my arms in less than three months. And so much more. But God had other plans. Plans that are greater and better than mine. Plans that I don't understand right now and I may never understand. Plans that include pain beyond description, but also blessings beyond comprehension. I don't WANT to celebrate. At least, not like years past. Honestly, it hurts to think of what is not. But God has been teaching me that somehow He takes my pain, my broken expectations and plans, my shattered dreams and hopes, and He pieces them together to form a beautiful masterpiece that allows HIM to shine through the broken pieces. I want this Christmas to be different. Well, it is going to be different even if I don't want it to be... But I want it to be a Christmas of reminding. Reminding myself that that little baby (so like my Judah) born so many years ago was born to be the One who would endure pain far greater than I can ever imagine, even after everything I've been through, for ME. That He knew even then what I would go through. He also knew how beautiful He could make my life after it was shattered, so that those looking on could see only Him. And I want to be reminded that He is doing exactly that - forming the pieces of my life into something that brings Him all the glory. I can only see the broken glass in front of me, and some days, that's ALL I can see. But He is showing me little by little what He is making those pieces into. And in spite of all the pain, the broken pieces, I WANT Him to continue breaking me - MY hopes, MY dreams, MY plans - and forming me into the mosaic masterpiece that brings honour to its Creator. This is what I was created to do. Who I was created to be.


"What do I have, if I don't have You, Jesus? What in this life, could mean any more? You are my Rock, You are my Glory, You are the lifter of my head!"


A quote I had written in my Bible, "God never uses someone greatly until He tests them deeply." So encouraging to read...


Journal Excerpt:

"I also think I know what the Joy of Judah fund is to be used for... Judah Bears to give to moms who have lost their babies... It will be a lot of work to set up but I am THRILLED to think about this ministry..."