25 February 2013 - Beauty from Ashes

Judah's due date is two weeks from today, which has made for an emotional few weeks. But as much as it hurts and I don't often understand, I look around me and see so many things that God is making beautiful from ashes. And when I consider the future and wonder if I will only know loss from here out, I once again am reminded that if that is the way that God has chosen for me, then He will provided what I need at that time - not before, not after - to get through. It's been a lot of learning that I should not worry about tomorrow and what it may bring, because no amount of worrying will change things tomorrow (and He holds tomorrow already!!!). It will only rob me of my joy in today.



Our little family at midnight, following Judah's stillbirth, 10 November 2012. Judah's tiny feet in my husband's hand.

23 February 2013

I just had a friend talk to me this week about grieving and posting about Judah (which I don't do very often) when others can't even get pregnant, and it was really hard to hear everything that was said. Hurtful. She's never been in either position. So I'm posting this here. These last few weeks are really, really hard. I had Judah 15 weeks ago today. And I was due to have him two weeks this Monday. Yes, I am SO thankful for my two living kids. More than I can possibly say. But I DO STILL GRIEVE my two that I've lost! And especially when (and I know others of you can relate) you lost another one on top of another, and when the first due date hits, you're not pregnant and have lost two babies already. Please be praying for me through these next two weeks especially. The memorial company is working to have his headstone ready to put down on his due date, which we'd requested, to have something special for that date, but it's still so hard. So hard to wait and trust and not fear that I will never have my own living baby in my arms again. To not fear that I will forever lose babies now. To not fear pregnancy. To remind myself that EVERY baby is worth the pain. Whether it's pain from childbirth or pain from miscarriage/loss. No matter how many times it happens. Such a difficult lesson to learn and remember. Thanks for listening to my heart and tears.


Journal Excerpt:

"Sometimes I wonder if God will take my other two away to help draw me closer to Himself, and it scares me a little, because the pain of losing them would be so great. But then I remember that once more God would give me what I need in that moment to help me through. Not before, and not after. Right then. And I need to not worry about tomorrow's troubles, because it will not change a thing except cause me to miss today's joys."


Judah's Necklace. It reads:
Judah Avishai - Forever in My Heart.
You know who you are. Thank you.

18 February 2013 - Full Term

Today I would have been full term - 37 weeks - with Judah. I will admit that these few weeks have been/are really difficult. Especially as I see more and more pregnancy and birth announcements and am reminded once again that the ones I started out pregnant with will go on to have healthy babies while God in His wisdom knew it was best to take mine. I still don't know or understand. I've seen many awesome things as a result, but it doesn't mean it's all clear to me or the ache or pain is gone. Yet through the multiple things God has allowed on top of everything with Judah, I'm seeking to rest in Him, and remember how very little control I have in my life. To trust that His ways are higher than my ways. Always. Even when it hurts. I'm so thankful for the Judah Bears that God has laid on my heart to start, as they provide a way for me to grieve and remember, and are a constructive and meaningful way to take something that helped me greatly in the worst of my pain and turn it into an encouragement to other moms in the same place. A balm to my aching heart and arms, to think of helping others through this...


Journal Excerpt:

"Judah would have been 37 weeks today. Same would have been 6 weeks yesterday. I have neither. I miss both. But especially my Judah. Especially as his due date draws closer and my womb and arms remain empty. I find myself snuggling and wanting Rina and Jonathan's closeness especially now. Cherishing them more than ever. And I find myself, rather, my heart, skipping a beat when my belly gurgles because I think for a second that it's my baby moving, until I remember once again that I have lost not one, but two little babies. Joel and I were talking more about the Judah Bears last night and I showed him the bear company and the Bears of Hope from Australia. It is such a huge help to me to have them to work on and to know that God can take my pain and use it to help others."

16 February 2013 - Don't Take It for Granted

14 weeks ago right now I was in a labour of love to hold a baby who would never smile back at me. To snuggle a little boy who would never snuggle back in return. To say goodbye to a precious, priceless life before I had the chance to say hello. Please, love on your unborn and born babies. Treasure each kick, each pain, each reminder that there is life inside of you. I miss my baby more than words can say, and ache so deeply as I know that I will NOT be holding a tiny, full-term, living son in my arms within the next three weeks. Hug your babies tightly. Each moment is truly a gift... Please don't take it for granted.

13 February 2013 - Sami Elia

I'm really excited to say that we have a name for our little baby that we just lost. I've been praying that God would give us the perfect one and we think He has. =) It's been a hard few days, and I will have more hard days ahead, but this is a little light in the midst of pain. Although I feel that this baby was a girl, we will never know on this earth, so we went with a gender neutral name. My husband suggested the first name, and we went from there. Our baby is named Sami Elia Christofi (pronounced Sahmie). The name is completely gender neutral, and means "God has heard," and "God has answered." It fits perfectly because God heard our hearts' desire to conceive again, and answered it, yet He also showed us that it is HE who controls if or when we conceive, and if or when we lose. Painful, especially for someone like me who likes to be in control, but a reminder, nonetheless, to myself, that my God hears each little cry and answers, more perfectly than I could ever know, but often not how I would have asked. I don't know the "answers" or "good" part of this story yet, but I'm clinging to the One who knew Sami and knew Sami's times and the impact they would have before they even began.

12 February 2013 - Miscarriage

Journal Excerpt:

"Waiting to hear if I've miscarried this little one is the longest wait ever. I feel as though he or she is already gone, but I keep hoping that against all odds it will show up that I'm still pregnant, and I'm just having an implantation/subchorionic bleed. I guess until I know for sure I can still enjoy the thought that i'm pregnant. For a few more hours. Ignorance is bliss, sometimes... I can pretend that all is well and in 34.5 weeks I'll be holding a beautiful baby - probably a girl. But then fear creeps in, and a desire to protect my heart from more pain. The pain of having lost another baby, this time before I was able to feel him or her move, or to develop a relationship with them. And I'm saddened. I still have some sort of peace that God knows and is in control, but it still hurts, too. And I feel like I'm watching all hope of having a baby before Judah's 1st birthday walk out the door. Because I know God is a God of miracles, but this situation needs a miracle and I think deep inside I feel like it's not a miracle worthy situation. Whey should I have a miracle when so many others don't? God, I know You are quite capable of having this baby live, but I'm really struggling because I feel that there is no hope in that he/she is still alive, because there is no special reason for me to NOT lose this baby. I wish so much that it was true, that You would miraculously heal my womb and protect my baby and he or she would be healthy and normal, but somehow You always seem to take me through the hardest route. The most painful route, and I know that I learn so much through it, but god, it would be so ncie to have this miracle this time... But more than anything, God, please let me cling to You and to the knowledge that you have a perfect plan through everything. Even this pain."


First of all, let me say thank you for praying and supporting me through this... Well, my bloodwork came back. I lost my baby. I was talking with my 2 year old daughter, Rina, and asked her where mommy's other baby is. She said, "in your belly!" When I shook my head no, she asked, "with Judah?" It broke my heart to hear. I'm really sad that I will never get to feel this little one. To hold him/her. And this means that we will not have another child by Judah's birthday, either. But I'm clinging to the fact that God once again knew before time began each moment of my baby's life, and He knew how many weeks I would have with him/her. I feel that this baby was a girl, although I'll never know on this earth. I don't know why God has allowed this to happen again, but I do know that He is faithful, and even before I knew I was pregnant I said that if He chose to take another child from me, He would provide what I needed in THAT moment to come through. Not before, not after. Right then. And that "then" is "now." I guess God knew my Judah needed a sibling to look after while he waits for us to arrive. The praise in all of this is that my numbers needed to be below 5.6 for me to be considered "not pregnant," and for me to not need to go back for more bloodwork. Mine were at 4.2. A miracle in different ways because of how quickly they dropped to normal. My midwife told me yesterday that it was really odd that in the middle of my bleeding my pregnancy test would be negative already. And I had TWO pregnancy tests two different days come back positive before I even missed a period, so my numbers were stronger initially. God knew I needed that grace in the moment. As well as the fact that I have not had one bit of pain or cramping this time around. Another bit of grace to ease the pain of loss. My midwife told me to wait a month before trying again to give my body time to regroup (she knows me well after 4 pregnancies), and then we will see what God has in store for us. I'd like to think that I will be able to get pregnant again right away and have a healthy, full term baby, but as I know well, although God is quite capable of working miracles, He usually chooses to take me on the hard routes. Maybe because I'm hard-headed and don't learn the easy way. But regardless of where He leads me, my choice is this: fight and struggle and question and be angry that He TOOK my baby again, or grieve and hurt and cling to Him and be thankful that He GAVE me another baby, even for 5 weeks. I'm choosing the second option.

10 February 2013 - 3 Months After

Journal Excerpt from 31 January:

"I decided to test this morning, and low and behold, I am pregnant. I did a double take at first as part of me couldn't believe that it's true, but then the rest of me is not surprised because of how crazy my body has been. My due date should be 13 October 2013. A month before Judah's 1st birthday. Now to see if everything progresses as normal. I'm thrilled but also feel a bit like I'm stepping on egg shells because I don't know if I will miscarry or lose this baby somehow, too. God, I don't know what You have planned for this baby. I don't know how long I will be allowed the privilege of carrying him or her. But thank You regardless for allowing me the gift of carrying him/her. Please help me to trust You regardless of what happens, remembering that You know best and already hold this one in Your hands. Please take my baby and use his or her life, no matter how long or short, for You glory. I cry at the thought of losing another, but know that just as You have brought us through waters I thought I'd drown in, if You choose to allow this little one to join his/her big brother in Heaven, You WILL give me - us - what we need to come through, AT THAT TIME. Not before, and not after. I'm dedicating this littles one to You, remembering that each moment is a gift, a privilege, not to be taken lightly or for granted. And if You choose to allow me to carry this baby to full term and deliver him/her, please help me to not stress but find joy each moment as I remember that the One who allowed this life to begin is also the One who holds and cares for this life more than I could ever. Let me rest in You. Lord willing I will be 8 weeks 1 day pregnant on Judah's due date. This gives me so much to look forward to. And to trust God about/with. El Roi. The God who sees. My God sees - bears witness to my life, even down to the tiniest details.

Yesterday I actually spent some time organizing Judah's things, looking at his photos, crying ,and remembering. I miss this little boy so much, but have been so blessed to see how God has used him in my life and the lives of many around me. And I cannot begin to explain how much peace and joy it gives me to know that I have one of my children already waiting for me in Heaven. IT makes it more of a reality that I need to point my other, living kids toward God as well, and pray that God brings them to Himself, too. Please work in me and them, God that they get to share eternity with You."




I have a prayer request. We found out a week and a half ago that I'm pregnant with #4. Two months after we lost Judah. I've been expecting some bleeding as I had a subchorionic bleed with two of my three kids. I started spotting three days ago and yesterday it turned bright red. I don't think its still as much as I bled with Judah early on, but its lasted all day yesterday and today. I have no pain, which doesn't say much bc I had no pain with my first and I had excruciating pain with my second bleed, and both times the babies were fine, shockingly. I have a sinking feeling that I've lost this baby, and I'm 5 hours away from home and my midwife. We are on our way home now. I am going in to see her tomorrow to have bloodwork done and an US, which probably will not show a baby but might show a sack, unless Ive already miscarried. I'm 5 weeks pregnant and this baby is due the month before Judah's birthday. Today is the three month anniversary of his birth. Please pray for me to trust God and give this little one to His care, even if it means losing another baby. I so don't want to lose another, and am struggling with feeling like this is my fault bc I haven't been grateful enough and I've allowed the chaos of our current lives to effect me. It is so difficult to not know. And to care so deeply.

5 February 2013 - Musings

Just some thoughts I'm struggling through in my walk (not asking advice or really questions, either, of anyone)... Why is walking in faith SO hard? Why is trusting that God knows best and wants best and will provide best for us so difficult to understand? Why is it so incredibly difficult to remember that sometimes/often the way to the best is so painful?

4 February 2013 - Global Proportion Floods

When it rains in the Christofi household, it doesn't just pour. It floods to global proportions and then some. I have no idea what God is doing through this [the flooding of our newly moved into basement] or where He is leading our little family. Please be praying for Joel and I as we have some life-changing decisions to make in the next few days/week, and it is VERY overwhelming to know and see where God is leading. We are walking forward blindly, praying that He will clear the way for us as we come to it.

25 January 2013

Judah has been placed on our wall... Thank you, Desiree...

23 January 2013 - Distant

Journal Excerpt:

"Lately my walk has felt out of sorts. Sunday I felt so disconnected from the sermon, and I don't like it. Distant. I hate writing this but I am afraid to ask God to bring me closer and to do whatever it takes because I'm afraid that it will mean losing another baby or not conceiving or something happening to my family. I know in the back of my mind that if those were the ways that He chose to draw me closer, then they would be worth losing, but I'm afraid, because I don't want to lose them. God, please bring me closer to Yourself no matter the cost, and remind me that the cost is worth it, because I'm struggling to believe that right now. I'm so afraid to lose more, and struggling to see that I'd be gaining.

We had our 27th person join Carried to Jesus yesterday. It's amazing to me to see how God is bringing the girls/women along who need the support. Some of the women say nothing, but a number of them share on a regular basis and really seek to support each other through things. One huge thing that God has done as a result of Judah. And yes, it's because of Judah! A huge blessing from ashes that were so painful and still ache inside."




My treasures...

19 January 2013

It's Judah's 10 week birthday, and I'm not only attending but taking photos of the baby shower of the friend of mine who was due 3 days before Judah. I'm not sure how I feel right now but its already been an emotional week so I'd really value your prayers... He was due in 7 weeks 2 days. She just posted how she can't wait to meet her little girl in 7 weeks and it hit me again how close I would have been to meeting our son. My husband reminded me that I'm not going to meet Judah in 7 weeks because I already got to meet him, which helps a little to remember, but doesn't help with the ache of not having him with me still, whether in my arms or womb.


LATER: It's been 10 whole weeks since I gave birth to Judah. Where has time gone? How did we fit so much into such a short time? Where did the strength and energy come from to face everything that we have faced these past 2.5 months? How is it possible to come through the hardest experiences of our lives and marriage and walk away stronger? How do we experience God in a more powerful way than we've ever known Him? All I can say is this: God. If my life is a living testimony of His goodness and His strength it is so that all who see me know that God is good, and loving, and FAITHFUL. Ever so faithful, even when I am not. Even when my heart wants to burst in pain or I question why or I try to control the circumstances that are far beyond my control. Be still, and KNOW that He is God. MY God.

10 January 2013 - Happy Two Months in Heaven, Judah!

Journal Excerpt:

"Happy 2 month birthday, Judah! You must have the best birthdays, up there with Jesus! I miss you terribly and greatly look forward to seeing you again some day. And in spite of the pain of losing you, I'm so incredibly glad that I got to meet you. You are and were a true gift from my Father."


Two months ago right now I was getting settled into my hospital room in preparation for the birth of my second son. I have walked on water I thought I'd drown in to get here, and although it's easy to start looking down and sinking again, through Him I will continue to trust and come out the other side. In spite of the enormous pain involved in losing Judah, I'm so incredibly thankful that I had the opportunity to meet, hold, and love on my son before saying goodbye. And that I already have part of my little family waiting for me in Heaven. This life is only for an instant. The pain of separation only for a time, but the reunion is forever. I'm praying that one day my ENTIRE family will be reunited in Heaven with Judah and Jesus. What a day that will be! Happy 2 months old birthday, dear Judah!


"No weeping, no hurt or pain
No suffering You hold me now
You hold me now
No darkness no sick or lame
No hiding You hold me now,
You hold me now

In this life I will stand
Through my joy and my pain
Knowing there's a greater day
There's a hope that never fails

When Your name is lifted high
And forever praises rise
For the glory of Your Name
I'm believing for the day"

Hillsong - You Hold Me Now


Snuggling with our son in the few short hours that we held him in our arms. It's been two months today since his birth!

8 January 2013

I'm finding it amazing how in the midst of missing Judah I have such absolute joy in seeing one after another of women I've been praying for have healthy pregnancies and babies. I really believe that God does ease the heartache when we run to Him and instead of focusing constantly or soley on our own loss and hurt, focus on praying for and loving others through it. I've been learning and loving the joy of praying for others and seeing the answers to my prayers - them receive what I myself treasure so much. Wow. Thank You, Jesus!


Journal Excerpt:

"Two months ago last night Judah died. Two months ago tonight we confirmed it. Two months ago in two days I gave birth to my third child. Where has time gone? The initial sting has lessened but I still miss him like crazy. Especially sometimes as more people get pregnant. If this keeps up, God is definitely working to answer my prayers for this year, that all the girls who are trying, get pregnant and deliver full term, healthy babies this year! Wow!

I also have a lot of peace regarding getting pregnant again, at least for now. We will see what happens over the next couple of months, but if I get pregnant this month, I'll be due in October. If next month, then my due date will be right around Judah's birthday. And so forth. I have to keep reminding myself that God is in control even if I'm not pregnant for a long time to come."

3 January 2013

I haven't posted in a little while because I have been struggling a bit with everything in general. Putting baby toys away since my kids are too big for them and Judah won't be here to use them. Seeing reminder after reminder that I lost my baby and I don't know when I'll be given another. Knowing that this year I was to birth Judah in two months time, but now I won't. Looking around me and finding absolute chaos as we are STILL not moved and still working to finish renovations. Feeling completely overwhelmed by the cleaning, packing, and unpacking that I will need to do within two weeks while balancing two little kids. Struggling to trust God that His ways are better. And more... Then I was reading my Bible this morning and in 1 Cor. 1 it is talking about God using the foolish things and the weak things to show Himself, and I felt chastised for not sharing. For not showing the struggles lately and only showing the "good things." If God desires to use my weaknesses and inadequacies to show Himself more fully, then I don't want to miss out on that! I look around me and wonder sometimes how He can use ME of all people, but He can, so that no one gets the glory but Himself. "therefore, as it is written: 'let him who boasts boast in the Lord.' When I came to you, brothers, I did not come with eloquence or superior wisdom as I proclaimed to you the testimony about God. For I am resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and Him crucified. I came to you in weakness and fear, and with much trembling... So that your faith might not rest on men's wisdom, but on God's power." 1 Cor. 2:1-3,5
I don't know what God is doing in and through me, but I want to be used by Him in both my good days and bad. I'm sorry for not allowing you to see the work (throughout my weakness and struggling) He's been doing in me because of my own pride. To God be the glory!


My littlest living joy!


My 2nd littlest living joy!