10 February 2013 - 3 Months After

Journal Excerpt from 31 January:

"I decided to test this morning, and low and behold, I am pregnant. I did a double take at first as part of me couldn't believe that it's true, but then the rest of me is not surprised because of how crazy my body has been. My due date should be 13 October 2013. A month before Judah's 1st birthday. Now to see if everything progresses as normal. I'm thrilled but also feel a bit like I'm stepping on egg shells because I don't know if I will miscarry or lose this baby somehow, too. God, I don't know what You have planned for this baby. I don't know how long I will be allowed the privilege of carrying him or her. But thank You regardless for allowing me the gift of carrying him/her. Please help me to trust You regardless of what happens, remembering that You know best and already hold this one in Your hands. Please take my baby and use his or her life, no matter how long or short, for You glory. I cry at the thought of losing another, but know that just as You have brought us through waters I thought I'd drown in, if You choose to allow this little one to join his/her big brother in Heaven, You WILL give me - us - what we need to come through, AT THAT TIME. Not before, and not after. I'm dedicating this littles one to You, remembering that each moment is a gift, a privilege, not to be taken lightly or for granted. And if You choose to allow me to carry this baby to full term and deliver him/her, please help me to not stress but find joy each moment as I remember that the One who allowed this life to begin is also the One who holds and cares for this life more than I could ever. Let me rest in You. Lord willing I will be 8 weeks 1 day pregnant on Judah's due date. This gives me so much to look forward to. And to trust God about/with. El Roi. The God who sees. My God sees - bears witness to my life, even down to the tiniest details.

Yesterday I actually spent some time organizing Judah's things, looking at his photos, crying ,and remembering. I miss this little boy so much, but have been so blessed to see how God has used him in my life and the lives of many around me. And I cannot begin to explain how much peace and joy it gives me to know that I have one of my children already waiting for me in Heaven. IT makes it more of a reality that I need to point my other, living kids toward God as well, and pray that God brings them to Himself, too. Please work in me and them, God that they get to share eternity with You."




I have a prayer request. We found out a week and a half ago that I'm pregnant with #4. Two months after we lost Judah. I've been expecting some bleeding as I had a subchorionic bleed with two of my three kids. I started spotting three days ago and yesterday it turned bright red. I don't think its still as much as I bled with Judah early on, but its lasted all day yesterday and today. I have no pain, which doesn't say much bc I had no pain with my first and I had excruciating pain with my second bleed, and both times the babies were fine, shockingly. I have a sinking feeling that I've lost this baby, and I'm 5 hours away from home and my midwife. We are on our way home now. I am going in to see her tomorrow to have bloodwork done and an US, which probably will not show a baby but might show a sack, unless Ive already miscarried. I'm 5 weeks pregnant and this baby is due the month before Judah's birthday. Today is the three month anniversary of his birth. Please pray for me to trust God and give this little one to His care, even if it means losing another baby. I so don't want to lose another, and am struggling with feeling like this is my fault bc I haven't been grateful enough and I've allowed the chaos of our current lives to effect me. It is so difficult to not know. And to care so deeply.