12 February 2013 - Miscarriage

Journal Excerpt:

"Waiting to hear if I've miscarried this little one is the longest wait ever. I feel as though he or she is already gone, but I keep hoping that against all odds it will show up that I'm still pregnant, and I'm just having an implantation/subchorionic bleed. I guess until I know for sure I can still enjoy the thought that i'm pregnant. For a few more hours. Ignorance is bliss, sometimes... I can pretend that all is well and in 34.5 weeks I'll be holding a beautiful baby - probably a girl. But then fear creeps in, and a desire to protect my heart from more pain. The pain of having lost another baby, this time before I was able to feel him or her move, or to develop a relationship with them. And I'm saddened. I still have some sort of peace that God knows and is in control, but it still hurts, too. And I feel like I'm watching all hope of having a baby before Judah's 1st birthday walk out the door. Because I know God is a God of miracles, but this situation needs a miracle and I think deep inside I feel like it's not a miracle worthy situation. Whey should I have a miracle when so many others don't? God, I know You are quite capable of having this baby live, but I'm really struggling because I feel that there is no hope in that he/she is still alive, because there is no special reason for me to NOT lose this baby. I wish so much that it was true, that You would miraculously heal my womb and protect my baby and he or she would be healthy and normal, but somehow You always seem to take me through the hardest route. The most painful route, and I know that I learn so much through it, but god, it would be so ncie to have this miracle this time... But more than anything, God, please let me cling to You and to the knowledge that you have a perfect plan through everything. Even this pain."


First of all, let me say thank you for praying and supporting me through this... Well, my bloodwork came back. I lost my baby. I was talking with my 2 year old daughter, Rina, and asked her where mommy's other baby is. She said, "in your belly!" When I shook my head no, she asked, "with Judah?" It broke my heart to hear. I'm really sad that I will never get to feel this little one. To hold him/her. And this means that we will not have another child by Judah's birthday, either. But I'm clinging to the fact that God once again knew before time began each moment of my baby's life, and He knew how many weeks I would have with him/her. I feel that this baby was a girl, although I'll never know on this earth. I don't know why God has allowed this to happen again, but I do know that He is faithful, and even before I knew I was pregnant I said that if He chose to take another child from me, He would provide what I needed in THAT moment to come through. Not before, not after. Right then. And that "then" is "now." I guess God knew my Judah needed a sibling to look after while he waits for us to arrive. The praise in all of this is that my numbers needed to be below 5.6 for me to be considered "not pregnant," and for me to not need to go back for more bloodwork. Mine were at 4.2. A miracle in different ways because of how quickly they dropped to normal. My midwife told me yesterday that it was really odd that in the middle of my bleeding my pregnancy test would be negative already. And I had TWO pregnancy tests two different days come back positive before I even missed a period, so my numbers were stronger initially. God knew I needed that grace in the moment. As well as the fact that I have not had one bit of pain or cramping this time around. Another bit of grace to ease the pain of loss. My midwife told me to wait a month before trying again to give my body time to regroup (she knows me well after 4 pregnancies), and then we will see what God has in store for us. I'd like to think that I will be able to get pregnant again right away and have a healthy, full term baby, but as I know well, although God is quite capable of working miracles, He usually chooses to take me on the hard routes. Maybe because I'm hard-headed and don't learn the easy way. But regardless of where He leads me, my choice is this: fight and struggle and question and be angry that He TOOK my baby again, or grieve and hurt and cling to Him and be thankful that He GAVE me another baby, even for 5 weeks. I'm choosing the second option.