18 February 2013 - Full Term

Today I would have been full term - 37 weeks - with Judah. I will admit that these few weeks have been/are really difficult. Especially as I see more and more pregnancy and birth announcements and am reminded once again that the ones I started out pregnant with will go on to have healthy babies while God in His wisdom knew it was best to take mine. I still don't know or understand. I've seen many awesome things as a result, but it doesn't mean it's all clear to me or the ache or pain is gone. Yet through the multiple things God has allowed on top of everything with Judah, I'm seeking to rest in Him, and remember how very little control I have in my life. To trust that His ways are higher than my ways. Always. Even when it hurts. I'm so thankful for the Judah Bears that God has laid on my heart to start, as they provide a way for me to grieve and remember, and are a constructive and meaningful way to take something that helped me greatly in the worst of my pain and turn it into an encouragement to other moms in the same place. A balm to my aching heart and arms, to think of helping others through this...


Journal Excerpt:

"Judah would have been 37 weeks today. Same would have been 6 weeks yesterday. I have neither. I miss both. But especially my Judah. Especially as his due date draws closer and my womb and arms remain empty. I find myself snuggling and wanting Rina and Jonathan's closeness especially now. Cherishing them more than ever. And I find myself, rather, my heart, skipping a beat when my belly gurgles because I think for a second that it's my baby moving, until I remember once again that I have lost not one, but two little babies. Joel and I were talking more about the Judah Bears last night and I showed him the bear company and the Bears of Hope from Australia. It is such a huge help to me to have them to work on and to know that God can take my pain and use it to help others."