9 November 2012 - The Announcement

It is with overwhelming sadness and heartache that we share the loss of our precious 2nd son, who has gone on to be with Jesus just over a week away from 6 months pregnant. We don't understand but we know that our God does and has a perfect plan through this. We gave our son to Him as we have with each of our children upon finding out we were expecting, knowing full well that He could take them at any time. In His perfect love and wisdom He has chosen to take our littlest, and we run to Him, crying Daddy, please hold us now. Please pray that I am able to deliver him naturally in the next couple of days, so I can hold him, love on him, and bury him. Still I will CHOOSE to say, Lord, blessed be your name. My heart aches desperately for my son.


Excerpt from my tear-stained journal the night before:

"What if Your blessings come through raindrops? What if Your healing comes through tears? What if a thousand sleepless nights is what it takes to know You're near?" Tonight I saw one of the worst things I will ever see... the still, tiny, exquisitely formed body of my son - my second SON - without a heartbeat in my womb. It was such a gift to have one last look at him. Yet so incredibly painful. His little form that two weeks ago waved at me and moved all around now lay in a peaceful sleep, soul no longer present. The sight of his little, lifeless body reminds me of how precious life is, and how fleeting. And how beautifully God has created each being. My son. My precious son. Gone. It give me much peace to know that he is safe with Jesus now, and that he will never suffer from his abdomen not being formed right, but it doesn't erase the pain of losing him. And knowing that I carry his little, limp body in my womb right now but he no longer hears my voice and calms. He no longer pokes me when I push against him, or rolls when I lay down. I will never get to hear him cry. See him take his first breath. See his hair colour. Touch and smell his soft skin. Tell him how much I love him and how thankful I am for him. Tell him how I've wanted him before I knew I had been given him. Hold his hand as he learns to walk. Feel him snuggle up to and suckle at my breast. And I never got to prepare for it. Never got to grieve the loss of that touch before it was gone. And somehow I knew it. Somehow, before I ever saw Patty [my midwife] today I knew that we wouldn't find a heartbeat. I ate, drank, even ate a bunch of candy and poked and pushed at my belly for some response but got none. I could feel him laying there in the bottom of my womb, but no movement. I never got to say goodbye. Rina came over and climbed up beside me and told me she wanted to feel Baby, and pushed my belly, and nothing. I will never see my baby move or respond to my voice. Never watch him breathe. I can only pray that they will let me delivery my son and hold him, and bury him. I will try to reach "Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep" tomorrow to see if they can take photos... I think the hardest things will be not feeling the movements anymore, and not seeing my belly grow. God, help me. Hold me. I am aching beyond imagination. I don't understand but I know You have a plan better than I could ever dream. Please watch out for my baby. Hold him tight and tell him how much his mommy loves and misses him. How her arms yearn for him. I love you, my son, but as I said before and told God even as I walked in for my ultrasound tonight. You belong to Jesus and I'm trusting you to His care, even if that means that He holds you and I never get to. I'm SO incredibly thankful for the almost 6 months (22 weeks 3 days) that I have carried you. That God has graciously given to me. God, please help me to see this even as the waves of pain wash over me. I cannot do this alone. Hold me, please. "I will walk by faith, even when I cannot see..." "You give and take away, my heart will CHOOSE to say, Lord, blessed be Your name..." These have run through my head all day...