28 November 2012

Journal Excerpt:


"It's been three weeks almost exactly right now since I first noticed Judah was not moving. Three aweful yet amazing weeks. It seems so much longer, yet somehow just yesterday. Tears have been running down my face most of the past hour. It seems that finally things are starting to sink in and I'm starting to be able to think again. Only a little, but still think. I've been so frustrated that things have been too crazy for me to even work through and think. I'm afraid of missing a detail. I've spent a lot of time going back and forth with the "Carried to Jesus" FB group I started, which has helped with processing, except that then my pain and words aren't written here. So difficult. I can't express myself in both places. It's so hard to realize that so many of the things I've been looking forward to happening won't happen now. Finley was born today, and as I looked at his little face, so alert and adorable, I found myself thinking how strange it will be to deliver a live baby again, that cries and snuggles against me and looks at me. It makes me teary to think about. It also struck me that God has sent babies on each of my hardest milestones. Daniel on my 1 week anniversary of finding out Judah had died. Jonathan on my 2 week anniversary of Judah's birth. And now Finley on the 3 week anniversary of Judah's death. Little things to celebrate when it's really hard."